the middle

i've been feeling numb lately. i'm not sure why. when i first went back to school, i made a point of living very deliberately, thoughtfully. i was determined to live in the moment, feel everything, experience everything, and not get caught up in my thoughts or worries. i had spent almost a year living in a very small bubble built partly by me and partly by circumstance. i wasn't numb, but i didn't quite feel either. i just lived in a tiny bubble that fit only exactly what was enough to get by, to cope. so when i started school, i decided to just be. a few years ago a friend said that to me, "stop thinking and just be!" and i didn't understand the gravity, the size of what he was saying. i've spent most of my life thinking and not being or doing. or at least i feel like i have. when i got back to school i was trying really hard to just be. but somehow, recently, i've lost track of that. i feel a little distanced from everything. like i'm watching what's happening instead of being part of it. even when i know i am part of it. i still feel like i'm just watching. distanced, abstracted. i don't really feel anything on the inside. the rare times that i've felt anything recently is when i watch tv or a movie. and then it's a little overwhelming and i feel everything at once. i think about doing lots of things, because i think the way to start feeling (and perhaps processing) is to do things that i like to do. but it usually stops there.