hard times

I can't decide if I'm going to fast this month. I guess it's not an either/or, with us or against us - I can do some days on and some off. But I just haven't decided. Or rather, I haven't figured out how to make it work. I'll fast and feel like a scatterbrain or like I can't do it and then decide not to fast. And then not fast and think enh, it wasn't *so* bad. And then I'll fast and feel like a scatterbrain. And on and on. It makes me feel a litte nutso.

I've been fasting for Ramadan for about 20 years. That's a long time. And to just not do it one year feels lame, frankly. It's the last orthodox-type thing that I do and that I do regularly. So what if I don't fast? What does that make me? What does that say about me? Nothing, probably. Maybe the problem is that I think that there is some great meaning behind a decision not to fast. I think the appropriate principle is to take it easy, to fast when I can and not when I can't. I think that might actually be the traditional Islamic principle anyway.

I think I may be spending all my time worrying about this little thing to avoid the bigger things - law school, the last month's transition, the absence of certain people. I just can't seem to get past it.