anger

so, im an angry person. I get angry about a lot of things. and i think anger is a talent. real anger, not like the petty kind where you get upset because someone stepped on your new shoes or broke your new toy. im talking about the kind of anger that comes from seeing extreme injustice. whats that che quote? something about if you tremble at every grave injustice you see, then youre my comrade. something like that. but that makes me angry too, because che was well known to be a misogynist. apparently revolution is reserved for those with a penis and two testicles. like ani says, they all want to lead the fight/and they know what they know all right/but there's so much/they don't understand/what about the other sex/what about the other hand/they only know what they've been told/and they're well cast/but they don't break the mold/and good sources are not enough/so she calls their bluff/yeah, she calls their bluff/'cause the revolution business/is still run by men/like every business/and everything/but we can sing like a sonofabitch/make them twitch around their eyes/until they realize/they just don't realize.

but its none of that righteous (or self righteous?) anger that i have right now. its more self-centered. im angry at the man whom i knew from july 2001 to september 2004. im angry that even though i knew he was the kind that would hurt to preclude getting hurt, i stayed with him for 3 years. im angry that still, 6 months since i last shared an intimate word and 3 months since i saw his face, he is willing to go out of his way to hurt me. just like that, he is 'in a relationship', i am no longer allowed to exist in his world, and parts of my mind and heart are still stuck in september.

maybe if i could just make out with him from time to time i'd be ok. or maybe i should jsut make out with someone random, as has been suggested to me. but i just can't do that. its too weird, too detached. too unpredictable.

I’m angry at the fact that both long term relationships I’ve had have turned out so fucked up. And I start to worry if its me and not them. Because at the end, the sort of began to resemble each other. I’m angry that I cant stop caring about this stuff. Yes, I care much less. I don’t think about it 24-7. and trust me, I used to. But I still havent quite figured out exactly how to cultivate that inner happiness. I see a little glow of it, a little spark from time to time, but I don’t know how to keep it going.