ok, so im a traitor. after i decided about 2 weeks ago that i wanted to start blogging again (after, count it, one blog post in FEBRUARY), ive decided that i am forsaking live journal and coming back to blogger. so much more aesthetically pleasing! just plain cooler. thanks zaf. i wouldnt have noticed unless i read your blog via friendster. i hate to admit it, but im a sheep. i only started on lj because my lil bro blogs there. and instead of divulging my further sheep-like tendencies (thats for another day), i will just cut and paste what i just posted on lj....and maybe also what i previously posted. or not. i havent decided yet....

here goes:

11/30/04
i watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind again today. its such a gorgeous movie. filled with all kinds of self-conscious dramatic narcissism....the kind of stuff that only comes out in certain kinds of intimate relationships. the kind of relationship where you know the other person won't hate you or judge you for being so narcissistic. or at least you think so until you break up. then they tell you that youre (and i quote!), "selfish, an illusionist, self-absorbent and pretty > dumb at times." then you wonder if it was all for naught.this was the second time i saw this movie. the first time was with azeem. i was exhausted, not yet caught up with sleep after my exams. my brain was dead, and i just wanted a bit o mindless entertainment. he and i were not on the best terms at that time. it wasnt the worst either, but it had been better. and by the end of the movie, i think both of us felt a bit better. just like the end of the movie. it could have been me, 'ill just get bored with you and feel trapped liek i always do' and him, 'ok'. love is love is love in other words. we cant control it. we should just feel it, and feel it thoroughly. heartache and all.after the movie, azeem, in his usual way, asked me, 'would you erase me? if you could, if the situation was teh same, would you erase me from your memory?' and meinay inkaar kiya, of course. and it was true, i wouldnt erase him. but if he were here, here and now, i would tell him yes! yes! i woudl bloody well erase your whole goddam crisp eating, fizzy drink drinking, manchester united loving, stupid myth believing, fight or flight, black or white self! all of it! out of my fucking life fucking forever! but, in the end, it woudl jsut be to hurt him. because i have so much anger. still. i try to let it go, but i just keep turning the corner to more and more anger. in the end, again, i think im just angry at myself for allowing myself to (fall in) love (with) someone that didnt treat me exactly how i wanted to be treated. but at the point in time when i fell in love, exactly how i wanted to be treated was simple. i wanted to be loved. such an ambiguous want! a fickle want! in other words, i wanted attention. full attention. unadulterated, focused attention. thats what i thought love was. and i guess i still dont know what it is, but it sure as hell isnt that. for me at least. so, im angry with myself for being so disconnected from my soul that i didnt think about what i really wanted. im angry with myself for putting myself in the position where i have such strong feelings about someone and that person doesnt (or didnt) treat me with 100% R-E-S-P-E-C-T. and, really, i guess i am mad at azeem, based on that first ambiguous, fickle want. i had adulterated attention, is what i had. other things were more important. internal things, unresolved sad things that made azeem put himself before everyone else, including me. scary things that made him never trust me. even at the best of times.

i forgot who or what i was writing for. and maybe i'm getting too personal.

you must see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. you must.

11/21/04
so, i dont think i get this whole blogging thing exactly. and im sure there have been a hundred blog posts that say the same thing. and im sure im breaking some rule of blog by pointing out that i dont know what exactly it means to blog. regardless, i googled the phrase 'the rules of blog' and got some results, but i didnt have time to read them. must do that again. if i dont, do my keystrokes mean nothing? just a random pattern?i guess i now have two potential blog readers: amna and zafar. amna knows my username but i think is even less in the know with blogs than i am. and zafar is a seasoned blogger, but doesnt know my username. so. the key word is potential.i have this bad habit of trying to carry as much as i can in my arms when im at the super market. like when my mom says 'go get X', X being any number of things, i refuse to get/take a cart. i prefer to balance them all in my arms. even if it means getting cramps in my biceps. but today, at meijers, i droped a carton of bluberry soy yogurt. a single size carton. and it fell like it was in slow motion. i saw the expression on teh face of the guy who was walking toward me and towards whom i was walking. and i felt every muscle in my face shift into a cringe. then splat. i went to the closest aisle with a 'CAN WE HELP YOU?' sign pointing towards a telephone, looked up the code for service desk on the list of store phone codes, called them and reported my accident. i was proud of myself. i did what i could, short of cleaning it up myself. so i walked back to the cart with my armload of groceries. and then my mom sent me back on another expedition. and i slipped on the blueberry soy yogurt on the way. i didnt fall, thank god, but i did do a sort of surfer/walklikeanegyptian type of step. and to my knowledge, the blueberry soy yogurt didnt get cleaned up for the rest of the time that we were there. so i felt guilty. is that why i didnt pick up an other container of blueberry soy yogurt? dunno. but im going to go have some peach soy yog. my stomach is acidy. yay pseudo-insomnia. also, i just spent the last hour watching johnny depp in the actors' studio on DVR. again, yay pseudo insomnia.

11/16/04
i tried this once before. blogging, that is. but i couldnt remember my username or whatever, so i just started a new one. but maybe i dont remember bc it was blogspot. either way, im out of practice. and i think thats bc i was afraid that i would write something that i wouldnt want my bro to read. so i never posted anything. ha! but im over that now. he's totally awesome. i totally totally love him. its cliche, but i dont tell him enough. its even more cliche, but i hope he knows. and i think i was afraid of judgement. that my blog would be stupid, or pretentious. or self- righteous/congratulatory/obsessed/important. but now ive developed insomnia and i think this might be an excellent use of my sleepless time. especially because i'm trying to do the things that i stopped doing when i self-policed myself into apathy and submission in my relationship. like write. and again, im out of practice. i went to the def poetry jam area on teh HBO website and was inspired. too bad we dont have HBO.this morning i read an article by mira nair on how she develops a food-crutch on every film that she directs. like on vanity fair, it was beans and fried toast. heinz and hovis, no doubt. sigh, london. her all-time crutch is chai. the real stuff, though. she wrote about how she makes it: teeth-cracked cardamom and skin-on slices of ginger boiled lightly in water. then tea bag, brew. add milk, heat, remove tea bag. squeeze all remaining liquid from teabags. strain into a thermos for day long crutch. then i made some chai. no ginger. cardomom, clove, and cinnamon. but, out of fear of making the tea too bitter, i didnt brew long enough. i had forgotten that there is no such thign as too-strong chai. but it was good. i think im going to start a morning tradition.i need a new nose ring. mine fell out and im afraid my hole is closing.does anyone else feel that line in american beauty where that video-making kid next door says something like 'sometimes i think that i cant handle the amount beauty in teh world. there is just so much beauty.' i feel it sometimes. right now. but maybe its just the insomnia....




so that's it, edited for content. i swear, thats the last time i will cut and paste from an old blog. unless of course, i am making reference to an old blog. hopefully by the time i do that, ill be savvy enough to just link it.